What I have Done
by Ms Thunderchaser IV
Summary: Castiel replays the memories of what happened between him and Anna three nights ago. He still loved and wanted her, but his emotions were on a borderline of sin.


**This is my first Castiel Anna one-shot. I've been reading them for some time and instantly I've become a huge fan of that pairing. I only wish to contribute a fan fiction to Cas/Anna fans out there. I hope this turns out alright, if not I'm happy to delete this story off fanfiction net forever!**

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The night was cold for him, even in a motel room that was fairly warm. The brothers were absent for the meantime giving him the perfect time to ruminate about in his thoughts. Castiel sat alone on the bed with the only the lamp giving off only a small amount of light, he didn't mind that nor the cold.

He could not forget what had happened three nights ago, and it was just like this. There was barely light and it was cold, and Anna was with him.

He did everything he could, he tried to resist the cravings that cursed his being, the same feelings that drove humans to do those things, but he could no longer deny the very things he felt.

_Anna…_

The name stuck in his head, and the mere thought brought back the emotions that plagued him for so long. He clutched his chest, his heart ached to see her again, to touch and feel her skin against his, her soft silky hair, her enticing smooth skin, and the luscious lips that beckoned his. He could still remember the argument he had with Anna, the hate and anger that flared in their words and the hot passion thereafter.

Many times ago he had hated her for falling and for sleeping with Dean, she had done it to hurt him for hunting her down, but it was more than that. She had broken his heart, he then turned against her. Both were at equal.

"Why did you do it?" Castiel screamed, he could not remember how or why the argument started, but that's how it all began. She slept with Dean, and he carried this anger in him ever since the day it happened, and it all came out today.

Anna fixed her gaze at him coldly, "Why do you care who I lay with?" she said with a hint of curiosity and annoyance.

"Why sleep with him, was it easy for you to just forget about me?" the tone of his voice grew more hostile, she could feel the energy of his rage emanating from his body as it lashed out like small whips at her. But she kept her cool.

"What we had before was over Cas, Dean made me feel safe, like I belonged and not like some blasphemous traitor!" she yelled furiously, the lamps flickered wildly and sparked around them till they blew out.

Her voice strained as she continued, "You can't make me feel that way Cas, I was hoping even though I fell you'd still care for me and protect me, you would never stop loving me." Her voice grew quiet, "But I guess I was wrong, there is no love between us Cas!" Her eyes filled with tears, but she quickly blinked them away.

He felt a painful stab in his chest as she said those words. What had happened between her and Dean was just sex, a way to vent out their need.

He clenched his fists and glared at her, "THAT'S A LIE!" He roared. The entire room and building shook from his fury.

"I did love you Anna! I never wanted you to fall in the first place, I tried to stop you, I did everything in my power to convince you, if there was any love between us at all you would've stayed!" his chest heaved in mid exhaustion.

Anna averted her gaze; she could not look him in the face. "What is life in heaven if we are not allowed to feel love?" she asked softly. "We were forbidden and you knew it."

"At least we were together." he whispers back, his whole body trembled in ire still having the feeling to lash out more.

A moment of silence passed simmering the adrenaline in their veins.

He glanced at Anna who still looked away, a strange sensation bubbled in him.

He had the urge to grab her by the shoulders and scream at her to look his way, it was more than he could stand. At the same time he wanted to embrace and hold her tight, never wanting to let go, but he restrained himself from doing so. He knew better.

"I…I still want you." he whispered sounding fearful and fragile, the words tumbled out hardly audible, but she heard him. A sick hollow feeling came over, he hated himself for admitting it.

"How could you want me after you tried to have me killed?" she said to him bitterly.

"I had no choice."

"You did have a choice, you chose not to see it." she said with vehemence.

Resentment blazed in her eyes, tears flowed down her cheeks freely, and the intense aura she emitted flared brightly.

Castiel looked down slightly with guilt, he was unprepared for this type of reaction, more tears streaked her beautiful face, and the image of his once mighty commander was shattered leaving only a mere woman.

"It was a mistake." He could now see the sorrow she displayed, the look she had was enough to fill him with shame and regret.

"Is that what you call it, a mistake?" Anna retorted, her voice cracked under pressure.

"Well I had every right to do what I did! You left and betrayed me, I trusted you!" He scowled at the object of his torture, how he hated and loved her at the same time.

"It wasn't just about sleeping with Dean, you fell from heaven to choose this life, and what about me? Did you ever think about me at all? When you were gone I had nothing!" He finished lastly as his harsh tone faltered. Pain filled in his eyes, all the woe and agony he had suppressed all these years she could now see that his masculine exterior had dispersed. Now she knew. Yes, he had done this out of revenge, but it was her who had hurt him in the first place.

She turned her face away unable to face the truth any longer, he caught a glimpse of the tears that streamed down her face once more. She tried to answer back, but she was at loss for words. He saw her delicate lips tried to form words, but they couldn't. Cas tried to ignore the aching in his lips to be on hers.

Castiel's heart beat rapidly in his chest, the strange longing to hold her came back to him, seeing her like this, it was far more greater a torment than hell, he could not bring himself to touch her, but he had to…somehow.

Anna headed for the doorway without a word, she had to leave now.

"Anna wait." Cas grabbed her hand without thinking. "I'm sorry I made you cry."

His apology made her glance back in surprise, "No Cas, I'm sorry. But either way, it would've turned out bad. For the sake of everything don't ever come near me again." she snatched back her hand like she had touched filth.

Those words were unbearable, it was a mighty blow in his gut, but he had to try again.

"Please believe me Anna, I still love you." he took her hand in his again but with a firm grip, she yanked back her hand fiercely.

_I love you Castiel…but I can't_

Deep down in her heart she didn't want to go, she wanted to stay, but she knew how this would all play out. If they were to get closer, it would only wound him more if something bad were to occur between them, he might never let it go. It was more for his sake than hers or anybody's, and she didn't want him to suffer anymore than he already had.

"I'm sorry Cas…it's over." The words tasted bitter in her mouth.

Anna headed for the door again, her hand reached for the knob ready to leave and never return to again.

A sense of desperation gripped his instincts, he had to stop her from going. That was all he thought at the moment, for the second time in his life, he was far more in need to keep her from departing more than ever.

"Don't go." It was a plea, but his hidden panic made it sound like a command.

She froze on spot, his tone of voice sent a chill down her spine, she dared not move an inch.

"You can't leave." he said in a husky yet demanding voice. It scared her; something about the way he said it felt different. The energy he was giving off seemed to grow in size, she didn't look back as a sweat dropped from her face.

She grabbed the knob again to get out as fast as she can, but Castiel immediately grabbed her by the shoulder and spun her around.

In a flash he pinned her against the door, before she could even react, his lips hungrily met hers. It was a fierce kiss, and very dominating.

She violently thrashed and pushed against him, beating his back and trying to kick him off, but his willpower was doubled by his strength. Anna tried to scratch him, but he caught her by the wrists held them tightly.

She tried to free herself from his grasp, but it was useless, his fiery kiss sent electricity running through her body, she could feel her power being absorbed into him. No matter how hard she struggled, it was a futile attempt, until his passionate action had finally subdued her.

Anna became limp as she slid down the door with Castiel still kissing her, she was dazed and weak. He broke it off as Anna was on the verge of fainting.

"Castiel…" she moaned, "Why? Please don't do this." she pleaded unable to push him off, he still gripped her wrists but not so tight.

"Forgive me." he said with tears rolling down his eyes, "I let you go before I'm not letting you go now. You're right where I want you, please…Don't go."

Sinful, what he just said felt sinful, but he didn't care. He could hear another voice inside his mind telling him that this was wrong, it was lust. He was an angel, they do not give in to these impulses and he could not certainly start doing it right now.

_Don't do it! Don't do it!_

_No! I can't let her go, I want her, I need her!_

_Blasphemous! You're not thinking straight, she's a fallen and you're not!_

_I love her!_

The battle of his two consciences was giving him an increasing headache. In the corner of the room he felt the presence of another Castiel, the ever pure and holy one staring wide eyed at his own wicked act.

Right then and there he hated that side of him, he wanted him to disappear. The very urge to kill that part was burning in his blood.

_No…don't…this is sin!_

He gazed back at Anna who quivered under him, her eyes were half way opened from being dizzy, but she was aware of how extremely terrifying he was.

"Cas…what're you going to do to me? You're hurting me."

Castiel forgot the strong hold he had on Anna and let go, he never realized the danger in his desire. The other side of him kept on screaming and yelling him to stop.

He glared back at the other him. _Sinful is it? Then let me show you, show you how sinful I can really get!_

He had enough with his conscience and let his emotions take over.

The pale moonlight cascaded down through the window allowing a bit of illumination to enter. They were both on the floor, he was on top of Anna.

She felt her jacket pulled off of her along with her pants in such a violent manner, it almost ripped completely, her left in her panties and blouse. Somehow, she could not find the will to protest.

She felt her body rock gently as she was carried off to bed hearing the beat of his heart against his warm body, Castiel put her down as the moonlight shimmered upon her figure, it highlighted her features making her the most illustrious beauty he had ever seen.

Her red hair spilled upon her face like a waterfall of rich glowing lava, she was sprawled out before him in all her glorious splendor. He drank the vision in, and it was all for him.

The facets she had were enthralling, it made his body eager to be on hers. Anna's eyes fluttered open like butterflies now seeing Castiel take off his coat and top to reveal his bare chest as he slowly crawled on top of her slipping his pants off.

As he looked upon her beautiful face, her eyes looked back in wide fright. Why did she look at him like that?

His hand roughly took hold of her blouse and began to tear it open, he bent his head down kissing her breast in full heat his hands found their way around her body roaming her every curve. He found a thrill of touching her skin seeking more contact.

His hands caressed her every outline making her quiver under his burning touch, she made small whimper as he moved to her neck.

His kiss was not so passionate but raw and craving, she felt the sting of his bite as he bit the bare flesh there, she winced in pain.

She made a soft cry as his warm tongue ran over her wounds, the intense heat of his body and his hot breath was making her dizzy. There was something abut the way he groped her body, it was abrasive enough to mar the skin and the way his lips devoured her mouth to the point of bruising.

He was too aggressive, and it was unlike him. What happened to the Castiel she once knew that was always so tender? There was something else that fueled his angelic fire.

"Anna..." he panted out in between his breaths. It sounded more like a growl of resent. Yes it could be hate and anger.

He nibbled at her earlobe, his hands softened their stroke and lightly traced their way to her breasts cupping them, he buried his face in her hair smelling the intoxicating scent. He moved away from her throat and his mouth gave a small quick kiss to her breast before latching on to it, the warmth of his mouth made her melt under him, her hands ran through his hair and his neck, feeling the need to give in.

There was desire.

He took delight in taking all that he could take, he smirked as his love made a way to succumb to his power, and he liked it.

As his lovemaking continued, he felt her body harden, it froze not even trembling in his caresses. She was holding back.

The memory of Dean and Anna in the car flashed back in his mind, both were enjoying their time together. Rage rushed back, he took hold of Anna's arms and pinned them to the side, she let out a small frightened gasp as the pain of his grip was on the edge of breaking her bones.

Dean and Anna in the car making love, it made him sick.

Anna felt the intensity flowing in his aura, she shuddered. She recognized this emotion, it was jealousy.

Castiel grew more infuriated, could it be she was thinking about Dean? That it was only him that made her feel loved and safe and he was incapable of doing it? Anna was his first! It was time to mark her as his, no matter who else she may sleep with, she was _his_ angel! His alone!

This terrified Anna, she helped create the beast in him, she backed her way from under his body for space.

Instantly he caught her by the thigh and pulled her closer. No, there was no way she would get away from him that easily.

He drew her nearer, and grabbed the edge of her underwear and tore them down her legs casting them aside, their intimate parts almost close to touching.

"Castiel… slow down." He ignored her plea grabbing her hips positioning her for him to take.

Anna braced herself, this was her fault. The moment she and Dean were in the car was the trigger that awakened the hidden beast, the Castiel she loved was gone.

His first thrust made her cry out as he pushed himself into her, tears welled up in her eyes and streamed down her face. Her hands clutched his shoulders, digging her nails deep into his skin raking deep red lines stifling herself. He didn't feel the blood being drawn.

The searing pain radiated around her body, the heat was suffocating, it was enough to kill her. The room was spinning and the hot flesh she was enduring was feeling far more excruciating. She tried to push him off, but he would not move, she squirmed trying to move away.

Castiel enjoyed how she writhed under him, he found it beautiful how she was reacting to this. He found pleasure in how he easily entered her, and he liked every thrust and vigor he gained. Her body tensed up again, she was resisting him.

He thrusts into her more, each time he pounded into her she would not moan, beg, or scream. This was beginning to piss him off, he wanted some sort of response from her. Anything, he'll make her give in.

She held back a scream as he tore into her again, this time it was harder. Her face twisted in agony, she would never give into the man that he was now; her body felt like it was in a furnace. She begged for him to stop, but he did not hear her.

The energy he emanated was so great it caused the room's temperature to rise. The lamp's bulb on a stand flickered before exploding. Neither of them noticed.

It was too much, she lets a moan escape her mouth, her body crumples under his control, cries filled the room as he continued to pound into her.

"Anna…" he mumbles savoring every bit of his enjoyment through all her begging.

"Castiel…Castiel please stop!" she finally screamed. Her voice brought him back out of his odious trance as he ceased his action. He falls on top of her exhausted, she gazes at him seeing his face return to the former man that she once knew, the one she swore she will always love.

Sanity all came back to him, he tried to clear his head as he looked down upon the angel before him, _his_ fallen angel.

But one look was all it took to overwhelm him with shock. The beauty that was once before him lay in shambles on the sheets where he ravaged her. Her body was sprawled out like a broken doll, the wrists had red marks where he held her, he neck was tainted with red bites, and oh god, her lips were bruised. He did this, he's wrecked her.

_Oh my god, what have I done!_

He was overcome with fright, shame, and guilt, oh how could he have let his emotions get to him like this? This wasn't like how he imagined it would be. They would be lying in bed in pure bliss, saying each other's name like a spell, holding onto one another hoping that what they were experiencing was not just a fantasy. What he had done was just madness. The second voice inside his head could now be heard again screaming at him.

_Did she even want this? Look what you've done!_

Fearfully, he glanced at her face, it was disheveled was around her face in stringy strands, her eyes were barely open as she gasped for air like someone trying to frantically survive.

"Cas…" she groaned weakly, he could see the tears that ran down her cheeks endlessly from the torment he made her suffer, this was close to rape.

"Oh god, Anna I'm sorry!" he broke out cradling her face gently in his hands. He never imagined things for to be this way, he wanted it to be more than what she had with Dean. It was fueled by love, but what he had done was with jealousy and obsession. He had made the ultimate sin. No wonder angels weren't allowed to feel, it always led to destruction, and his became this disastrous result.

"Please forgive me! I never meant thing to be like this." His voice choked on tears, his only response was a groan.

"Cas…you didn't have to…" but she was cut off.

"I love you, believe me, I never meant to hurt you, I just wanted you to-"

He was stopped as Anna's hand caressed his cheek and softly touched his lip. Her palm felt cool against his heated skin.

"You didn't have to prove it like this… to tell you he truth I do love you." She said quietly before closing her eyes and fainting away.

_I do love you_

Those words were a rush of ecstasy and relief like a breath of fresh air. It also pained him after what he's done, he doesn't deserve her, but despite of what happened, after trying to kill her, she still loved him.

Teardropsfell upon her cheeks glistening like diamonds. He bent down to her face and gave her his last kiss, this time it was more warm and affectionate, it tasted sweeter to the lips.

That night he vowed he would never be the cause of her pain again, even if he must trudge forward in life without touching her, he didn't want to see her cry no more than he did tonight.

He laid down beside her hearing her steady breaths, he put his arm around her shivering body.

At least, just this once, he wanted it like this with her.

The memories of it were still all so vivid to him as he sat alone in the motel room as he lay upon the bed. Anna wasn't there, but he could still feel her, still hear her cries and see her face so clearly. He snuggled under the sheets replaying her voice inside his head.

_I love you…_

He turned off the lamp as he quietly dreamed of Anna still besides him.


End file.
